RATED R!

There's a battle raging inside me .. In the Light corner is my Soul .. In the Shadow corner is my Ego .. Freedom and Soul Purpose vs. Social Conditioning and Obligation .. Courage and Faith vs. Fear and Shame .. From an observer perspective it's one hell of a fight! 'Have Faith that ALL is exactly as it should be .. Release all attachment to specific outcomes, release the need to control, release the need for reassurance or deadlines' says my Higher Self ... 'Don't listen to that charlatan! You know what you must do, get a proper job idiot, pay those bills .. Be fucking normal! Imagine the shame .. What will people think??' says my Ego .. You see, for some time now, I've known that I must move, leave the place we've called home for the last 7 years. Ronan and I have simply outgrown it. So, I made a step-by-step plan in order to support this intuition, in order to move. It goes something like this: save, look for a place, use intuitive guidance in order to manifest hand in hand with the Universe, have faith in synchronicity, move by a certain time (like really soon 'cos I'm so ready to go). Here's what's actually happening ... My well meaning plan, the 'norm' (pay rent>save>move) is clashing with the Universal flow and synchronicity. My plan is not only NOT working out, I'm manifesting instead an entirely different lesson. The lesson is ATTACHMENT. There's two things that keep me attached to the 'system'. One is my lease/real estate and the other is my electricity provider. Over the last couple of weeks they have BOTH become like ferocious cornered animals. WHY? Because the rhythm and flow of abundance in my world doesn't match the rigid rules set out by these companies. Don't get me wrong .. The bills get paid, always, but they get paid according to the rhythm of the energy of abundance. As far as a computer program used by these organisations, is concerned, I need to be reprimanded, controlled, fall in line .. and this is done by threats, heavy handed tactics and bullying. All in the name of 'good' business. It seems I have a choice to make .. Freedom vs. System! Does this seem a bit polarised and extreme to you? Yes? Me too .. But I've been trying, for years, to find balance and harmony between these two .. In other words I've been trying to find Soul freedom within the system and it just doesn't fucking work for me. Because, the more I surrender to the path of my Divine Soul, the more viscous the System gets, to pull me back in line. Back to ATTACHMENT How is this relevant to the choice I must make ... It's relevant because should I choose the System, I'll be choosing a life where I'm stepping away from my Soul purpose in order to get a job that falls in line with the rhythm of this System. And I can't even pull off a simple 'normal' savings plan without the Universe stepping in. I could choose to ignore the Universe but I have 44years of first hand experience of what happens when I do that! So my choice then is Freedom .. And this may mean letting go of ALL ATTACHMENTS to the System. No lease .. No contracts .. And finally ... Why am I writing about this?? Because this attachment to the System comes with social conditioning: that the System is right, that it's in place for a very good reason, that it has power over masses/me, that it must be obeyed. It also comes with conditioning that a good parent must set an example of proper code of conduct within this System so the child/ren can be 'properly' cared for, provided for and nurtured. THIS is where I come undone .. What if I've pissed these people off so much that I'm served with an eviction notice and I become homeless (albeit for a short time)? How am I ever going to be able to get another place with this history? What kind of Mother am I if I can't provide a home for my child? Oh the feeling of SHAME that I may have failed Ronan and created trauma for him in my 'selfish' pursuit of Soul purpose!!? THIS!! This insane ILLUSION! This MADNESS! THIS ATTACHMENT to Social Conditioning, the Social Norm!! When I tap into this collective fear, this illusion, it just about kills me .. And I want to hide! Hide the shame and play the game ... But there's no more hiding or pretending .. Somethings gotta give .. So I'm taking fear and shame out of the equation by writing about this .. Take note - change IS coming and it starts withIn ME! I'm going to choose Freedom and have Faith! I'm going to have Courage and Strength of my convictions! Ronan and I will be oki dokey one way or another. This battle has landed on my doorstep and I cannot loose as long as I stay within my SOUL INTEGRITY